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Life can change in an instant, good or bad.

A little over a year ago, January 2, 2017 to be exact, a month and a half after losing my mom to breast cancer, I separated from my husband. Our divorce became final in October. For most of 2017, I was in a very dark place. There were breaks of sunshine here and there, but I quickly sank bank down into the darkness.

Was this my life now? Almost fifty years old, having to start over? I knew it was the right decision, we hadn’t been happy for a very long time. But it was such a disappointment, such a struggle. And he moved on so quickly. Sometimes I found it hard to actually breathe.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime toward the end of 2017, I decided the way I was feeling just wasn’t how I wanted to be anymore. I was tired of crying. I was lonely and bored. I still had so much resentment and anger towards my ex. I needed it to end. So I wrote one final letter (I had written several over the course of the year) to my ex. Got it ALL out. Printed a copy for him and a copy for me. And on New Years Day, the first Super Moon of 2018, I said a prayer, set some intentions and burned the letter under the light of the moon. Sounds crazy, I know. But…it worked!!

I can BREATHE. I feel LIGHT. I feel ALIVE.

I also joined an online dating site. Not so much to find someone to have a relationship with, but to find someone to do things with. It’s not that easy to make friends when you are going on 50.

The first guy I began “chatting” with seemed nice. We began texting, and when he asked me a couple of things that we had already talked about in detail, I mentioned this to him. His response was that he was just trying to make conversation. Well, sorry, but I am in a place right now where I want someone who actually LISTENS to me. I won’t accept anything less. Been there done that. No thank you. He then said he did not want to give me any of his energy in this space that I was in. I was fine with that! Blocked! Weirdo.

The next guy also seemed very nice. We chatted for a few days, decided to meet for a drink. Which turned into dinner. And then another drink in the bar, listening to live music. Surprisingly, I had a GREAT time! We met again a few days later for dinner. Yep, had a GREAT time!

We are still seeing each other, a little over a month later. I don’t know where it will go, or how long it will last. But I am happy. I am enjoying life. I am SMILING. And I know that my mom is right beside me, smiling along with me.

Life can change in an instant.

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Working on it…

So here I am, 7 months since that first blog post.

I am in a new house (with my ex in the in-law apartment, yes really) and I am slowly making it feel like home. It is taking some time, but I am ok with that. Two steps forward, one step back. For the most part, I am happy. My daughter is happy.

But there are dark days. This has been a difficult week. We are coming up on the one year angelversary of my sweet mom’s passing. That is amazing to me. That I haven’t seen her smile or heard her laugh in almost a year. I also was informed that my divorce became final this week. That is really hard to believe. In ten short months, 18 years of being part of a couple and a family was dismantled. That is what I am focusing on today.

Loss of a husband, loss of a partner, loss of a friend. Not to mention loss of family members and friends. No matter what anyone says or believes, divorce is not easy. Even though the separation was my idea, it hurts like hell when that person jumps right on board and moves on with life so fast your head spins. How is it possible to move on so quickly? I feel like I have so much SHIT to go through before I get to the other side. My therapist tells me I am making progress. And I agree, sometimes. But sometimes that anger and resentment get the best of me. Why can’t I just snap my fingers and be there? I know I will get there, I can see the light. So why do I have to go through all this bullshit? I know, I know, it’s all part of the process.

I want so badly for people to see things from my point of view. Not for anyone to take sides, but so they can see where I am coming from, and why I feel the way I do. That I am not a crazy person. But that is one thing I have never been very successful at – using my VOICE, getting people to HEAR ME.

Working on it…

Namaste

What to blog about…?

I wasn’t really sure what I wanted my first blog post to be about. Grief? I lost my mom 3 months ago, so yes. Divorce? I’m currently in the process of one, yes, that would work too. Breaking up with your best friend? Yep, that happened too. I choose Grief.

You can grieve lots of things.  It doesn’t have to be just the death of a loved one.  It could be the end of a marriage, the loss of a home, the loss of a friend. It just so happens I am experiencing all of these things at once. Within a 3 month period. Who does that?

I’m probably certifiable.

But if there is one thing (ok there is definitely more than one) that I learned from my mom, it is to have faith. And a sense of humor.

Grief. I miss my mom. Nobody will ever understand those words unless you have lost your mom. I feel like my pain is so much worse because I had the best mom in the world. Just ask my brother and my sisters.  They will agree. My children and nieces and nephews had the best grandmother in the world. Mam. Just ask them, they will tell you. How do we go on without her? That person who was so proud of her family. The matriarch. It’s not easy.

When she first passed, I was able to put the “bad” images of her last couple of months in this secret hidden part of my mind. I physically could not let myself see them. It just hurt too much. I focused on the good times we had. But slowly, those images are starting to creep out. I try to push them away, but they need to be acknowledged. It’s all part of the process. I know this. But it is SO HARD. It HURTS SO MUCH. And when the pain comes, and the tears start flowing yet again, all I can think is…

I want my mom.

 

First blog post

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

I wasn’t really sure what I wanted my blog to be about. Grief? I lost my mom 3 months ago, so yes. Divorce? I’m currently in the process of one, yes, that would work too. Breaking up with your best friend? Yep, that happened too. I choose Grief.