A little over a year ago, January 2, 2017 to be exact, a month and a half after losing my mom to breast cancer, I separated from my husband. Our divorce became final in October. For most of 2017, I was in a very dark place. There were breaks of sunshine here and there, but I quickly sank bank down into the darkness.
Was this my life now? Almost fifty years old, having to start over? I knew it was the right decision, we hadn’t been happy for a very long time. But it was such a disappointment, such a struggle. And he moved on so quickly. Sometimes I found it hard to actually breathe.
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime toward the end of 2017, I decided the way I was feeling just wasn’t how I wanted to be anymore. I was tired of crying. I was lonely and bored. I still had so much resentment and anger towards my ex. I needed it to end. So I wrote one final letter (I had written several over the course of the year) to my ex. Got it ALL out. Printed a copy for him and a copy for me. And on New Years Day, the first Super Moon of 2018, I said a prayer, set some intentions and burned the letter under the light of the moon. Sounds crazy, I know. But…it worked!!
I can BREATHE. I feel LIGHT. I feel ALIVE.
I also joined an online dating site. Not so much to find someone to have a relationship with, but to find someone to do things with. It’s not that easy to make friends when you are going on 50.
The first guy I began “chatting” with seemed nice. We began texting, and when he asked me a couple of things that we had already talked about in detail, I mentioned this to him. His response was that he was just trying to make conversation. Well, sorry, but I am in a place right now where I want someone who actually LISTENS to me. I won’t accept anything less. Been there done that. No thank you. He then said he did not want to give me any of his energy in this space that I was in. I was fine with that! Blocked! Weirdo.
The next guy also seemed very nice. We chatted for a few days, decided to meet for a drink. Which turned into dinner. And then another drink in the bar, listening to live music. Surprisingly, I had a GREAT time! We met again a few days later for dinner. Yep, had a GREAT time!
We are still seeing each other, a little over a month later. I don’t know where it will go, or how long it will last. But I am happy. I am enjoying life. I am SMILING. And I know that my mom is right beside me, smiling along with me.
Life can change in an instant.